“Can you tell me how you’re feeling right now, Camila?” I sit at Dr Stiller’s office window, on her bright orange couch looking out at the beautiful green garden. The room is way too bright and colorful for a place where dark secrets are revealed. There’s a bird on the lawn. Its wing is broken. People walk by and none of them notice.
“Angry,” I say. She has square shaped spectacles and a long sharp nose. I find her nose ironic, since her occupation happens to be sticking it in other people's business.
“It is understandable that you’d feel this way Camila. What you’ve been through, nobody should have to go through all of that. It is perfectly natural. Since this is your last session with me, I would like us to go over it one more time before you go live with your aunt,” she smiles. I suppress an eye roll and nod once.
“I was in an accident. I lost my family. It is okay to feel alone, though I should always remember that I am not alone. My life is not over. If ever I need comfort or someone to talk to, you could refer me to someone close by.” I recite the narrative that we go through in our sessions. My life is definitely over. I had it all and I lost it all. My parents are gone, my siblings are gone. My home is gone. My life is gone. I might as well have died in that crash with the rest of my family.
I take a deep breath and grab my backpack. Marching out of Dr Stiller’s office for the last time. Good riddance. I look back at the closed door. Tears spring to my eyes. “Goodbye Miss,” the secretary says. I raise a hand.
The living room of my aunt's rented flat smells stuffy. Aunt Meg’s text comes through. “Putting up the sold sign on the house. Make sure you have your ID when I pick you up,” it says. I dig in my suitcase and find my ID then stuff it back in the bowls of my pack.
A text from Abby:
All packed and ready to go?
No. I’m packed, but not ready. I don’t want to leave, save me?
Wish I could, friend. Have you spoken to Hayden?
No, he hasn’t looked at me the same since... I’m ugly now. Who’d want to be with me anyway?
Stop saying that! You’re not ugly and I’m sure he still feels the same about you. He’s probably just sad you’re leaving.
Thanks for trying to make me feel better Abby, but I know that Hayden is with Jessica. It isn’t a surprise. I’ve lost everything, including my perfect boyfriend and now I’ll lose you too.
Please, Cam. You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’ll visit you and you’ll visit me. You’ll see. It’ll be like we never parted. And they have ballet in Pretoria too, right? You still have that.
True. I don’t know how much good it’ll do, since I haven’t practiced in a year.
You’ll be fine. Stop with the negativity. If you give the place a chance, you might just surprise yourself. Anyway, I’m texting to say that I won’t be able to see you off this morning. Dad had an emergency at work so I have to check that the little brats don’t burn down the house. I’m sorry.
I groan.
I understand. We’ll see each other soon. Will text you when we arrive in Pretoria. Have a nice life friend.
I send Abby the text as promised. We get into the taxi.
The cab driver peers through the rear view mirror at my aunt, she stares out of the window. “Headed home Mrs?” he asks.
“Oh, yes. But please, not Mrs. I’m divorced. Meg is fine,”
The cab driver smiles and nods. “I’m Kevin, I’m divorced too. I have 3 girls,” he takes a picture from the cubby and passes it to the back. Three beautiful girls very close in age smile at us. Aunt Meg passes the picture back.
“They’re really beautiful,” she says.
“Thanks. They’re my everything. You have kids?”
“Only two. A son and a daughter, they both live with me and work in the area. One works at a surf store and the other is a beautician,” Aunt Meg says.
Kevin looks at me. “Oh, she’s my sister's child coming to stay with us for a while,” Kevin nods.
The taxi comes to a stop. Aunt Meg digs in her bag for the cab fare and their hands touch. Aunt Meg's face goes red. “Can I pick you up some time?” Kevin whispers. “Sure,” she says.
“Cammy!” Amy squeals. She picks me up. “Amy. Can’t. Breathe.” I try to gasp for air over her bony shoulders. My feet dangle. “Oh, I’m so sorry, mom said you were still recovering. Do you need anything? JP! GET CAMMY’S BAGS!” She shouts to her brother, whom I guessed is in his room.
“No, I’m all the way recovered actually. You know that It’s been a year since the accident. The physical therapy helped a lot. No need to fuss.” The wind blows in from the front door, it blows my hair out of my face and she gasps, as everybody does when they see it for the first time.
Tears pool and turns away in horror. Amy runs to her bedroom and slams the door shut behind her. I hate being here already. I’m hideous, I know. But was her reaction necessary?
I groan and take my bag to the guest room that Aunt Meg pointed out. I had school the next day, and had a lot to catch up on.
I lock myself in my room for the rest of the day and fall asleep on my books. The smell of hot coffee wakes me and I get ready for school. I make sure that my hair is combed over the eye patch on my left eye and the scars underneath.
“Good morning,” I grumble when I stroll into the kitchen. JP nods in my direction and grabs his bag to head out the door. Amy, bows her head, “I’m sorry I freaked out on you yesterday Cammy. I shouldn’t have done that. It was really rude.” she whispers. She doesn’t wait for my response and is out the door before I can open my mouth. Her mom must’ve spoken to her.
“They’ll get used to you being here honey. Have a seat, I made you breakfast.” Aunt Meg put down a steaming cup of coffee in front of me and goes back to the stove where she fries some eggs and cheese sausages.
I walk to the school, which isn't far. Sign myself in at the office and the secretary shows me to my classes. Nobody asks about my hair in front of my face and most of the kids glance my way but say nothing. At break time I sit on the short brick wall and face the rugby field.
“You new?” A voice behind me says, I turn my head to see a girl smiling at me. I nod and she sits next to me.
“I’m Lebo,” she said.
“I’m Camila, you can call me Cam or Cammy.”
She nodded her head “Where are you from Cam?”
“Durban.”
“Wow, what made you come here?”
“Long story,” I sighed. I didn’t want to push her away but I wasn’t ready to tell my sad sob story.
“I get it, was probably not a move you wanted to make right?” She said. I smiled at her and hoped that her and I would be great friends.
“Come on, I’ll show you around,” she grabbed my hand and we walked the grounds.
“There aren’t any cliques here I noticed.”
“No, not really. We don’t have such things. Most of the kids just hang out with the same kids that are in the same classes as they are. Some kids live near each other and that could just be friendships out of convenience,” she laughed and shook her head, causing her braids to sway. They were pretty with silver beads in them. I admired her laugh.
The bell rang and we went back to class. We had most classes together and ended up spending the whole day talking instead of working. At the end of the day I felt good, I had made a new friend. Abby hadn’t texted me back since I had let her know that we arrived safely.
Hey, Abby, I made a new friend. Her name is Lebo. She seems so nice. You would really like her. You busy?
I sent the text and waited. There was no reply. I did my homework and then went to the recreation club hall for my first ballet lesson in a year. Taking my letter from the Physical Therapist with me. I started with the basics. My legs ached, I went home and got into the swimming pool.
JP strolled out with a towel in his hand. “Mind if I join you?” he asked. “Nope,” I stroked the hair over my eye. “You don’t have to cover up. I’ve seen it,” he says. I snap my head to him “When?”
“The day of the accident. Mom and I had to go and identify the bod-“ he pauses and looks into the water. His feet swirl. “Sorry, I meant… We went to see you. They said it might be best to let you recover there for a while before we brought you home. Apparently you’d adjust better later on. Mom was devastated. Anyway,” he throws his towel and it lands on the pool bench behind us. “It’s not as narly as people want you to believe. Amy didn’t cry because she thought it was horrifying,”
“How did you know that was what I thought?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Come on, you’ve always been very predictable, even when we were kids.”
I fold my arms across my chest. I couldn’t be that predicable. He chuckles. I frown.
“Why did she cry then?” I challenge. JP clears his throat.
“She feels personally responsible and it just brought back some memories.”
“How could she feel personally responsible? She had nothing to do with our crash, did she?”
“No, look I’m not allowed to tell you any of this so let’s just swim ok?” He doesn’t wait for my next question and dives deep. My legs feel stiff. I pull my heavy body out of the pool and stomp to the shower. “Where you going?” He shouts from behind me. I don’t turn back.
“Set me on fire like I’ve never known…” Sammy sings next to me.
“Come on Cam, sing with me,” I laugh “Nah, I like hearing you sing.” His sweet 5 year old voice hits the same melody as the artist. I nod my head to the beat. Tessa rolls her eyes and adjusts the volume on her phone, successfully blocking out the cars music. Sammy stops singing. “What’s wrong buddy?” I rub the back of his smooth, black hair. It falls through my fingers like silk. Babies are so lucky they’re blessed with the best. “Tess doesn’t like my song,” he says.
“It’s okay, not everyone likes the same music,”
“Is that—?” mom asks. I turn my head to look but the car swerves and we fly over the edge of the mountain. We plummet.
Sammy’s voice fades in my memory. I stared at my reflection. I wish it was all a dream. I wish I could go back and see what it was that mom saw.
I splashed my face with cold water and crawled into bed.
Lebo lead me to the rugby field where most of the children in the school sat in groups. They ate their lunches and spoke to their friends. I watched them laugh. A boy strolled up to a group of girls in short gray skirts. He grabbed one of the girl’s lunch tin and ran around the circle taunting her. She sprang up and chased him. He chuckled and let her catch him. She leaped on top of him and they fell to the ground. He held the tin out of her reach watching her face as she squirmed to get it. His expression softened, he smiled at her. Does Hayden look at Jessica that way?
The bell rings. The boy behind me taps his foot against my chair. The girl at the window giggles at something hidden on her lap. She looks up, catches my eye and then looks at the device again. “Camila,” the teachers voice floats around me in a haze. “Did you hear my question?” I shake my head and avoid her gaze.
“Can you explain photosynthesis to the class please?” she says.
I mumble the process and meet her eyes. She smiles and nods. I sit and bury my head in my science book. The words on the page move and transform into Tessa’s features. Her hair rippled like waves in the wind. She smiles and her lips move. The bell rings. The page is just a page.
I move the willow’s branch. Lebo is sitting on the wall eating her lunch. Every few minutes she looks around and then goes back to her food. My stomach twists. The bell rings. I run to the front gate. The security booth is empty. I slip out through the crack and run home.
I dig out the science book and flip through the pages. The cream bed is sprawled with open text books. None of them bring Tessa back. I fall to my knees and place my forehead on the book soaking the pages.
“Camila, it’s time to get up. I’ve just gotten off the phone with Dr Stiller, she said she’s referring you to a Dr nearby,” I don’t move. “Camila you need to get up, it’s been a week,” Aunt Meg nudges again. I roll over to my right shoulder. She’s picking up my books and placing them on the computer desk.
“I’m not going,” she drops the book and turns on her heel. “You will go.”
“I know that you mean well Aunt Meg, but these shrinks can’t help me.”
“And what will help you?” she says
“I want to see my family again,” I sniff around my blocked nose. Aunt Meg kneels at my side. “I know honey,” she lifts my head off the wet pillow and lays it on her lap. She strokes my hair back and a fresh wave of tears soak her crisp white pants.
“I want you to know something, I think that it’ll help you understand what happened and perhaps you can get through this. But first, I need you to promise to go and see the person that Dr Stiller has referred you to,” I nod my head and sit up straight.
“The night your parents… your family…” Aunt Meg takes a deep breath. “The night of the accident, uncle Darryl and I had a massive fight. I had just discovered that he had a whole other family in Durban. He flew to Durban that night but I had already called the other woman and explained it all to her. She put him out of the house and he was walking around that night, drunk.
They lived on the mountain on which your family had died. He was the one that called the police. He jumped in the road trying to…” Aunt Meg swiped her cheeks “he was trying to end his own life but your Dad swerved and went off the edge instead.” My body jerked uncontrollably and Aunt Meg pulled me in. Time was not a concept that I was aware of but there was a knock on my door.
“You have a visitor Cam,” Amy whispered. Aunt Meg kept her arm around my shoulder. “Will you be ok?” she asks me. I nod. Lebo peeks around the door frame. “Hi,” my voice cracks. “I was worried about you,” she says. She sits on the edge of the bed.
“Is everything ok?” She says. I shake my head and swipe my cheeks. “You don’t have to tell me, but you know that you can trust me, right? I’ll be here for you,” I explain it all to her. She nods her head periodically and when I’m done she pulls me in and holds me for a while.
“I lost my parents when I was 15,” Lebo whispers when we pull apart. “They were both doctors and were doing Doctors without borders in upper Africa. The day they should have arrived home, their plane malfunctioned and they couldn’t take off. While they waited for the next flight, the airport was raided. The country they were in was in the middle of a civil war and they were taken. For weeks my grandparents and I waited for word. Exactly two months after they were taken, we received word from the leader of the program that my parents had been found. They were both dead in the forest near a known rebel site. The theory is that they were taken to heal a few rebels and when they were no longer needed they were killed so they wouldn’t reveal the exact location,”
“Lebo I’m so sorry,” I hugged her again.
“It’s ok. I’ve had a lot of therapy and I’d come to discover something very important,”
“What’s that?” I said
“The people around me kept me from losing myself. If it weren’t for my grandparents and my little brother, I probably would have joined my parents. They showed me that although my parents are gone, my life isn’t over. I plan to become a doctor myself and help others the way my parents had,”
“Wow, I wish I had the courage you do.”
“You do, you’re just grieving right now and that is necessary. Give yourself time, allow yourself to miss them but never forget that you have people around you who can help you get through it. You don’t have to get through this by yourself. Is your aunt from your Dad’s side?”
“No, it’s my mom’s sister,”
Lebo nods and I feel that pang in my stomach again. “I should have been more considerate of her,”
“I’m sure she understands.”
I hug Lebo again. We get up and head to the swimming pool.
“Hey,” JP says. He strolls along the edge in his flip flops.
“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“Not a chance dude. Have the day off. Who’s your friend?”
“Lucky you. Lebo this is my cousin JP. JP, Lebo,” I say
“Nice to meet you,” he smiles and bows his head to her. She laughs. “Mom says she told you that our Dad’s the biggest loser in the world,” he says.
“He’s not. He couldn’t have known,”
“You’re a better person than I.”
JP dives into the pool without warning. His white tank top and boardshorts soaked. He gets out, picks up his towel and strolls out of the back gate.
“Where is he going?” Lebo asks. I shrug.
“My brother is a little like him,” she gestures with her thumb.
“How so?”
“He has that no care vibe but deep down, you know they’re hurt,”
“Yeah, now that I know what I do, I see that in JP,”
Our feet dangle in the water. Lebo jumps in. She gasps and flaps her hands. I fall back and laugh and she tugs my arm forward. I crash into the water. It stings and I shriek. We laugh and try to catch our breaths.
We float on our backs and the birds soar so high they look like small black ribbons. I imagine they’re helping each other the way the people around me are trying to help me and I wonder for a second if the bird with the broken wing is up there too.
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